Never did I imagine that I would miscarry. There was no history of miscarriage in my family and I didn't have any health condition that would cause it. Nevertheless, it happened. I was broken, feeling like a part of me had died. I couldn't bear the thought of having my baby inside, but with no heartbeat. How could this have happened? Two weeks ago I had seen the baby's heart beating and now it stopped with no warning?
I was angry at God. I felt betrayed and left to suffer alone. But in the midst of the pain, I didn't dare hold a grudge against Him. I couldn't say much to Him. All I could say was, "God, I can't praise you right now, but I am here." That was all I could say. I knew I wouldn't leave God's side or stop serving him with my life, but I just could not say anything else. My husband, on the other hand, was praising God and encouraging me to do the same. But my heart wasn't ready to praise.
Soon after we found out that the baby's heart stopped beating, the doctor gave us the option to wait or to have a D&C, which is a medical procedure used to remove what is left from the pregnancy. I chose to wait and we took a long hour drive home with a tomb in our hearts. I couldn't find anything to give me consolation. We arrived home and crying to God, I begged him to please have mercy and to allow my baby to come out of my body naturally as soon as possible. The thought of having the baby inside without life was killing me. Soon after, I began to bleed and the process of miscarrying began. Once it was over, I felt that I was free to begin the grieving process.
My husband and I then took a trip to a friends' house away from our home to take our minds off of the pain. Our friends were a couple who had gone through the same loss. They received us with love, consoled us, prayed with us, and we left feeling renewed. We returned home feeling more peace in accepting God's will. But in my heart, I had trouble believing God's goodness even though I had experienced it countless times before. The pain was like a cloud that didn't allow me to see the purpose of his plan.
One night as I was driving home alone, the song "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin came on. It was the first time airing on the radio station, so it caught my attention. The words of this song pierced through my heart. I encountered God's love at that very moment and, in my heart, I truly believed that God was good and that what he had just allowed in our lives was also good. In my mind it didn't make sense, but a puzzle was solved. I cried to God through this song, I surrendered my pain to him, and I accepted his love. My Father was good, and I was truly loved by him.
One of the hardest parts about going through a miscarriage, in my opinion, is the feeling of loneliness. I questioned why so many women I knew were able to carry a pregnancy to term and I wasn't. But as my husband and I began to share our experience with others, we found out that many other couples had experienced the same loss. Some experienced it once, and others had more than one loss. Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage, according to the American Pregnancy Association. It is a topic that many don't talk about, even though it is so common, because talking about it means reliving the pain. However, hearing others' stories consoled me. I no longer felt alone, and I stopped questioning what was wrong with me. For this reason, I have decided that it is healthy to share my experience.
If you are reading this and wondering if this will happen to you, do not be afraid. The best advice I can give you is to enjoy your pregnancy or your future pregnancy. Being joyful and at peace is the best gift you can give to yourself and to your unborn child. If you have been given a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage, do not be afraid. Surrender your child to God who is the creator of life and maintain peace in your heart. If you have already experienced the pain of miscarriage, be honest with God and bring him your pain. He is the healer of hearts and will heal yours as he did mine. Have hope! He is faithful and has your life in his hands.
Now I can look back to that experience and know that my baby is in Heaven being loved and treasured by his Heavenly Father. I know he or she is happy and awaits us. We named our baby Liam Grace. Liam means "answered prayer" because even if we only had this baby for 8 weeks, Liam was an answered prayer. And Grace because this baby brought grace to our lives by turning our gaze to Heaven, reminding us that earth is not our home.
We are now blessed to have a 4 month old baby boy we named Daniel Jacob, and we are expecting another baby in May 2017. There is always a rainbow after the storm!
Lina Tavarez is the mother of Liam Grace (her angel), Daniel Jacob, and another little one on the way. Married to Guelmis, who the Lord gave her as husband after having a four year long distance relationship. She sings along with him in the music ministry Huellas de Fuego. She graduated with a bachelor's in Psychology, but her current career consists of caring for her baby boy Daniel Jacob a.k.a being a stay-at-home-mommy. She loves the Lord, and loves testifying to his incredible power and love. She was born in Colombia, but considers herself part Dominican because of her husband. She loves chocolate, coconut, and coffee.
Image by: [Marisel Rodriguez https://www.flickr.com/photos/mariselrod/]